Teenage relationships

The early teenage years see lots of changes – physical, emotional, cognitive and social. During this time, teenage bodies, emotions and identities change in different ways at different times.

Romantic relationships are a major developmental milestone. Teens and dating come with all the other changes going on during adolescence – physical, social and emotional. And they’re linked to your child’s growing interest in body image and looks, independence and privacy.

Romantic relationships can bring lots of emotional ups and downs for your child and sometimes for the whole family. The idea that your child might have these kinds of feelings can sometimes be a bit confronting for you. But these feelings are leading your child towards a deeper capacity to care, share and develop intimate relationships.

When you are young, dating should be a fun activity. There is ample time in the future for more serious relationships. Many teens feel they need to have a boy or girlfriend, but what is really most important is learning to build healthy relationships. Utilize this youthful time to explore a variety of healthy attachments, including family, friends, and dating. Your experiences now set the stage for developing love and secure relationships as you grow and mature.

Early teenage relationships often involve exploring physical intimacy and sexual feelings. You might not feel ready for this, but you have an important role in guiding and supporting your child through this important developmental stage.

The most influential role models for teenagers are the grown-ups in their lives. You can be a positive role model for respectful relationships and friendships by treating your partner, friends and family with care and respect. Just talking about both men and women respectfully lets your child know you think everyone is equal and valuable.

Younger teenagers usually hang out together in groups. They might meet up with someone special among friends, and then gradually spend more time with that person alone.

If your child wants to go out alone with someone special, talking about it with him can help you get a sense of whether he’s ready. Does he want a boyfriend or girlfriend just because his friends do? Does he think it’s the only way to go out and have fun? Or does he want to spend time getting to know someone better?

If the person your child is interested in is older or younger, it could be worth mentioning that people of different ages might want different things from relationships.

Talking about teenage relationships with your child

Your family plays a big part in the way your child thinks about teenage relationships.

When you encourage conversations about feelings, friendships and family relationships, it can help your child feel confident to talk about teenage relationships in general. If your child knows what respectful relationships look like in general, she can relate this directly to romantic relationships.

These conversations might mean that your child will feel more comfortable sharing his feelings with you as he starts to get romantically interested in others. And the conversations can also bring up other important topics, like treating other people kindly, breaking up kindly and respecting other people’s boundaries.

Having conversations with your child about sex and relationships from a young age might mean your child feels more comfortable to ask you questions as she moves into adolescence.

In some ways, talking about romantic and/or sexual teenage relationships is like talking about friendships or going to a party. Depending on your values and family rules, you and your child might need to discuss behavior and ground rules, and consequences for breaking the rules. For example, you might talk about how much time your child spends with his girlfriend or boyfriend versus how much time he spends studying, or whether it’s OK for his girlfriend or boyfriend to stay over.

You might also want to agree on some strategies for what your child should do if she feels unsafe or threatened.

Young people might also talk to their friends, which is healthy and normal. They still need your back-up, though, so keeping the lines of communication open is important.
Some conversations about relationships can be difficult, especially if you feel your child isn’t ready for a relationship. Check out our article about difficult conversations for more tips on how to handle them.

Talking with your child about sexuality

It’s a good idea to make your ground rules clear to your child from very early on – that way, she’ll understand your values and expectations about behavior. For example, a rule might be that your child treats others with respect and always checks on consent before sexual activity. But on other, less important issues, you might choose to negotiate with your child and set the boundaries together, so she feels involved and listened to.

Here are some ideas and strategies to make it easier to talk with your child about sexuality.

• Start conversations early. There’s no perfect time to start talking about sexuality, but conversations from a young age can help your child understand that sex and sexuality are a normal, healthy part of life. Early conversations can help make later ones easier.
• Be prepared. Your child might ask you all sorts of questions, so it’s good to check your understanding of puberty, periods, contraception, wet dreams, masturbation and more. It might also help to think in advance about your values and beliefs so you can be clear and consistent with your child. For example, if your child feels confused about her feelings for someone and asks you about same-sex attraction, responding positively and non-judgmentally is a good first step. So sorting out your own feelings about this issue in advance is a good idea.
• Talk about the really important stuff. There are some things it’s really important for every young person to understand:
  • Your child has the right to say ‘no’. All young people have the right to control what happens to their bodies, and your child should never feel pressured into doing anything that doesn’t feel right. Talk with your child about recognizing what feels comfortable and safe, rather than doing what his friends are doing.
  • ‘Safe sex’ means protecting against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Your child can do this by using condoms if she’s sexually active.
  • If your child is sexually active, it’s important to be tested for chlamydia – this condition is usually symptomless and is very common in young people of both sexes.
  • Your child can get advice about sexuality and sexual health from several places, including his GP. You can also tell your child that he can ask you anything he wants.
• Think about what you don’t know. When you work out what you don’t know, you can also work out how to get the information you need. There are many reliable sources, including:
  • a doctor or sexual health professional
  • your child’s school counselor
  • community health services and organizations, like the Family Planning organization or a sexual health clinic (generally free and confidential) in your state
  • books and pamphlets
  • the parenting hotline in your state or territory.
• Choose your words carefully. It’s important to pitch your language and terminology at a level that’s right for your child.
• Read your child’s signals. Look out for signs that show that now isn’t the right time for a ‘big talk’, like when your child is busy, tired or distracted. You can always try again later.
• Remind yourself about why discussing sexuality is important. When you keep the communication channels open, you help your child make positive, safe and informed choices, now and in the future. But if you delay talking about sexual health, you might miss an opportunity to help your child make positive decisions.

Talking about sexuality is particularly important if you want your views to help guide your child’s own sexual decision-making process.

Teenage sexuality

Sexuality is a part of who your child is and who she’ll become. Sexuality develops and changes throughout your child’s life. Feeling comfortable with her sexuality and sexual identity is essential to your child’s healthy development.

Sexuality isn’t just about sex. It’s also about how your child:

• feels about his developing body
• makes healthy decisions and choices about his own body
• understands and expresses feelings of intimacy, attraction and affection for others
• develops and maintains respectful relationships.

Your child’s beliefs and expectations about sex and sexuality are influenced by her personal experiences, upbringing and cultural background.

And you’re your child’s most important role model. You can help your child by modelling and reinforcing values and beliefs about safety, responsibility, honest communication and respect in relationships by treating your partner with respect and talking about how to stay safe.

Teenage sexual behavior, sexual attraction and sexual identity

Most teenagers will experiment with sexual behavior at some stage – this is a normal, natural and powerful urge in these years. But not all teenage relationships include sex.

Teenagers are also maturing emotionally and socially. They might want romantic intimacy and ways to express love and affection. And they might be curious and want to explore adult behavior.

Some teenagers are sexually attracted to people of the opposite gender, some are attracted to people of the same sex, and some are bisexual.

Sexual attraction and sexual identity aren’t the same. Young people who are same-sex attracted might or might not identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual. They might identify as heterosexual.

Promoting open communication about teenage sexuality

Your child will learn about sexuality at school, talk about it with friends, and get information about it online and through social media. But young people do trust the information they get from their parents.

If you talk about sex and sexuality with your child, it will help him sort through the many messages he gets about sexuality. These conversations might not feel comfortable at first, but you can make them easier by:

• using everyday opportunities to talk about sexuality – for example, when you hear something on the radio together, or see something relevant on TV
• letting your child know that you’re interested in seeing things from his perspective – for example, asking him what he thinks about sexual identity
• being ready to talk about issues or concerns when your child raises them, and assuring your child that he doesn’t need to feel embarrassed
• being honest if you don’t know the answer to a question – you could suggest that you look for the answer together
• asking your child what he already knows, then adding new information and clearing up any misconceptions
• using active listening skills.

Sex and teenage relationships

If your child is in a relationship, it can bring up questions about sex and intimacy. Not all teenage relationships include sex, but most teenagers will experiment with sexual behavior at some stage. This is why your child needs clear information on contraception, safe sex and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

This could also be your chance to talk together about dealing with unwanted sexual and peer pressure. If you keep the lines of communication open and let your child know that you’re there to listen, he’ll be more likely to come to you with questions and concerns.

Talking with your child about sex, sexuality and relationships won’t encourage her to start having sex before she’s ready. In fact, the opposite is true. Comfortable, open discussions about sex can actually delay the start of sexual activity and lead to your child having safer sexual activity when she does start.

Same-sex attraction and early sexual experimentation

Sexuality develops and often changes over time. What happens in adolescence isn’t set in stone for the rest of your child’s life. She doesn’t have to label herself as ‘gay’, ‘straight’, ‘lesbian’ or anything else. Exploration and experimentation with sexuality is normal and common. The most important thing is to be safe.

For some young people, sexual development during adolescence will include same-sex attraction and experiences.

For 3-10% of young people, the start of puberty will mean realizing they’re attracted to people of the same sex. A larger number of young people might develop bisexual attraction.

If your child feels confused about his feelings or attraction to someone else, responding positively and non-judgmentally is a good first step. A big part of this is being clear about your own feelings about same-sex attraction. If you think you might have trouble being calm and positive, there might be another adult who both you and your child trust and who your child could talk with about his feelings.

Difficult conversations with teenagers

Difficult conversations cover any topic that might be embarrassing, upsetting or controversial for either you or your child. It could also be something that might cause an argument or a conflict between the two of you. Sex, sexual orientation, masturbation, alcohol or other drugs, academic difficulties, self-harm, secrets, work and money are all topics that families can find difficult to talk about. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable discussing these things with your teenage child. But difficult conversations can give you the chance to guide your child towards sensible and responsible decisions and to talk about your family values.

There are no scripts for difficult conversations and tricky topics. But it’s a good idea to think about these topics before your child asks. If you work out a few key points about sex, alcohol, parties and so on beforehand – and even practice them – you might not be caught so off guard when your child asks a tricky question about sex while you’re driving.

And when you’ve had a chance to think about these topics, it’s also a good idea to raise them before your child asks. For example, early conversations about things like sexting can help keep your child safe.

Here are some tips to help you manage difficult conversations

First reactions

• Try to stay calm. Be honest if you’re shocked by the topic, but reassure your child that you do want to discuss the issue. This can help your child feel he can talk to you about anything.
• Make sure the first thing you say to your child is something that lets her know you’re happy that she wants to talk to you. For example, ‘I’m so happy that you trust me to help you with this’.
• Listen to your child. This means giving your child a chance to talk through what’s going on, without you trying to fix the situation. Often, teenagers aren’t expecting you to fix things – they just want you to listen.
• Avoid being critical or judgmental, or getting emotional. If you need to let off steam, choose another adult to talk to when your child isn’t around.
• Thank your child for coming to you.

Next steps

• If you need a bit of time to calm down or gather your thoughts before you talk, set a time to talk later. Make sure it’s soon – don’t wait until the next day. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Your child might go ahead without your input in the meantime.
• If your child has some specific issues he wants your help with and you’re not sure how to advise him, say so. Offer to work with your child to find out what he needs to know – for example, about contraception, sexuality, alcohol and so on.
• If your child wants your help with a tricky situation, a problem-solving approach can help you work together to find a solution.
• If your child wants your opinion, let your child know how you see the situation rather than telling her what to do. For example, ‘I would prefer it if you don’t have sex until you’re older. But if you’re going to, let’s talk about making sure it’s safe’.

Benefits of difficult conversations

Tackling difficult conversations together with your child is a sign that you have a healthy relationship.

It helps to keep your relationship with your child close and trusting. If you’re warm, accepting, non-judgmental and uncritical, and also open to negotiating and setting limits, your child is likely to feel more connected to you. Your child is also more likely to discuss issues with you in the future.

And if you know what’s going on in your child’s life, you’re better placed to help him manage difficult situations. Discussing tricky topics with you gives your child the opportunity to explore his choices and work out whether they’re the right ones for him.

Try not to avoid difficult conversations with your child. If you do, your child might end up making choices that have negative consequences. For example, a sexually active teenager who doesn’t ask for advice about contraception might end up with an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted infection.

When your child won’t talk

It’s common for teenagers to avoid talking about embarrassing or upsetting topics, especially if you raise them first. Sometimes you might not even realize a topic is upsetting or embarrassing until you raise it.

If your child doesn’t want to have difficult conversations with you, you could try the following:

• Try to set aside some time each day to talk with your child. Ask him open-ended questions, and let him know that if he does want to talk, you’re happy to listen. This will help you stay connected with your child and might help him feel more comfortable to come to you in future.
• Keep up to date with your child’s interests. This gives you things to talk about and shows that you’re interested in your child’s wellbeing.
• If your child won’t talk to you, it might help to find another adult she can talk to. You could suggest a relative, teacher, counselor or neighbor. But tell your child that you’re happy to listen any time she wants to talk to you.

Dating as a teenager

There isn’t a ‘right age’ to start having romantic relationships – every child is different, and every family will feel differently about this issue. But here are some averages:

• From 9-11 years, your child might start to show more independence from your family and more interest in friends.
• From 10-14 years, your child might want to spend more time in mixed gender groups, which might eventually end up in a romantic relationship.
• From 15-19 years, romantic relationships can become central to social life. Friendships might become deeper and more stable.

Many teenagers spend a lot of time thinking and talking about being in a relationship. In these years, teenage relationships might last only a few weeks or months. It’s also normal for children to have no interest in romantic relationships until their late teens. Some choose to focus on schoolwork, sport or other interests.

First crushes

Before your child starts having relationships, he might have one or more crushes.

• An identity crush is when your child finds someone she admires and wants to be like.
• A romantic crush is the beginning of romantic feelings. It’s about your child imagining another person as perfect or ideal. This can tell you a lot about the things that your child finds attractive in people. Romantic crushes tend not to last very long because ideas of perfection often break down when your child gets to know the other person better. But your child’s intense feelings are real, so it’s best to take crushes seriously and not make fun of them.

Teen breakups

Break-ups and broken hearts are part of teenage relationships. To make things worse, teenage break-ups might be played out in public – maybe at school, or online on social media.

You might expect your child to be sad and emotional if his relationship ends. It might not seem this way at the time, but this is part of learning how to cope with difficult decisions and disappointments. Your child might need time and space, a shoulder to cry on, and a willing ear to listen. He might also need some distraction.

Active listening can help you pick up on your child’s needs. But if your child seems sad or even depressed for more than a few weeks after a break-up, it might be worth getting some advice from a health professional, like your doctor.

Healthy relationships for teens

It’s important for teenagers in romantic, intimate and sexual relationships to understand what respectful relationships look like. As a parent and role model you have an important role in talking with your child about respect and encouraging your child to be respectful in relationships.

Respectful relationships allow teenagers to feel valued and accepted for who they are. These relationships are a vital part of healthy social, sexual and emotional development for teenagers.

What do respectful relationships for teenagers look like?

Respect is about treating yourself and others with dignity and consideration. Respect is an essential part of romantic, intimate and sexual relationships for teenagers.

Teenagers in respectful romantic relationships:

• can make their own choices and don’t feel pressured to do things that make them feel uncomfortable – for example, they can choose what activities they want to do, and who they want to do these activities with.
• treat each other equally and fairly – for example, if they belong to different religions, it’s OK for them to follow their own beliefs
• see mistakes as normal and OK – for example, if they forget to phone each other, they say, ‘It’s easy to forget – next time it might be me who forgets’
• are only intimate and touch each other when they both want to – for example, they agree that they’ll have sex only when they’re both ready
• know it’s OK to say ‘no’ – for example, they can say, ‘No, I don’t want to drink any alcohol’
• communicate openly and sort out conflicts fairly – for example, if they disagree about how much time to spend with each other, they look at their commitments together and come up with a solution that works for both of them.

You can help your child to choose and build respectful relationships by talking with him about how people behave in respectful romantic and intimate relationships.

You could try asking open questions to get the conversation started. For example:

• What do you think is important in a relationship?
• How do you want to be treated?
• What kind of behavior shows you that someone truly loves or cares for you?

If your child has questions, try to answer them honestly and openly. If you can have conversations like this with your child, it encourages clear, open and honest communication. It also makes it easier for your child to come to you in the future if she needs help with a relationship.

Other ways to encourage respectful relationships

Here are some other ways that you can promote caring and respectful relationships:

• Be a role model for respectful and caring behavior in your own relationships. And if you find yourself in a disrespectful relationship, model positive ways to manage that – for example, by being assertive, talking with the person involved or seeking professional help.
• Use active listening to understand your child’s and other people’s perspectives.
• Give your child praise for respectful behavior – for example, ‘It’s great how you stayed calm and walked away when you were feeling really angry. You took responsibility and didn’t take your anger out on someone else. Well done!’
• Manage your own anger and teach your child how to manage his anger. For example, if you need to calm down when you’re feeling angry, tell yourself to stop, breathe and relax.
• Show your child how to put conflict management strategies into action. For example, you could say something like ‘I feel really upset and worried when you don’t come home at the time we agreed on. Can we talk about that?’ This shows your child how to use ‘I’ statements and be specific.
• Stand up for yourself and your own needs in a respectful way and teach your child to stand up for herself. You could do this by saying no to others – for example, ‘I can’t help out tomorrow. I’ve got a report to finish’.

What are disrespectful relationships?

A disrespectful relationship is one in which people don’t feel valued. It might be a relationship where one person is treated unfairly or even experiences abuse.

Your child might not realize a relationship is disrespectful to start with, or he might misinterpret signs. For example, he might see jealousy or constant text messaging as a sign of love, rather than as a warning sign of abuse.

Disrespectful behavior can also start off small and can grow over time and turn into abuse. For example, something can start as minor jealousy about spending time with others. Teenagers might even misinterpret this as romantic. But this kind of jealousy can result in people becoming isolated from friends and family as relationships progress.

In a disrespectful relationship one person might:

• try to control the other person – for example, by stopping the other person from seeing family and friends, or controlling where the person goes and who the person sees
• blame and humiliate the other person – for example, by saying things like ‘If you hadn’t said that, I wouldn’t have got angry’ or ‘This is all your fault! I can’t believe I put up with you!’
• use emotional blackmail – for example, by saying things like ‘If you don’t come straight to my house after school, I’m going to tell everyone what a loser you are’ or ‘If you leave me, I’m going to kill myself’
• verbally abuse the other person – for example, by shouting or using put-downs like ‘No-one will ever like you’ or ‘You’re useless’
• physically abuse the other person – for example, by shaking the person during an argument, or holding the person’s wrist to prevent the person moving away
• sexually abuse or sexually assault the other person – this is any unwanted and forced sexual contact, including forced kissing, touching and vaginal, oral or anal penetration
• follow or harass the other person or use cyberbullying – for example, by repeatedly texting demanding to know where the person is, or spying when the other person is out with friends.

Effects of disrespectful relationships

Being in a disrespectful relationship can affect your child’s health and wellbeing.

Common effects include:

• changes in sleep and eating habits – for example, your child might have nightmares, trouble sleeping or a sudden loss of or increase in appetite
• feelings of depression or anxiety
• low self-confidence or self-worth – for example, your child might say things like ‘I’m completely useless’ or she might give in to her partner to prevent conflict
• isolation from family and friends – for example, your child might not want to join in with social activities, or might spend a lot of time alone in his room
• problems with alcohol or other drugs.

What to do if your child is in a disrespectful relationship

If your child is in a disrespectful relationship or you think she is, she needs your support. You can start by talking with your child, but this might be a difficult conversation.

You can encourage your child to express his feelings about the relationship by asking questions like these:

• How do you feel about yourself when you’re with your boyfriend/girlfriend?
• How do you feel about that behavior?
• What do your friends say about your boyfriend/girlfriend and the way he/she treats you?
• Is there anything about the relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable?

You can also talk with your child about her options and what might happen. For example:

• What are the pros and cons of staying together?
• What might happen if you stay together?
• What might happen if you break up?

You can also ask your child how you can help. Your child might not want to talk with you about his relationship. In this situation, it might help if another trusted adult can talk to your child – for example, an aunt or uncle, grandparent or family friend.

Getting help for your child

You can help your child get professional support from a psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor or doctor. Your child can also talk with a school counselor. These professionals can help you and your child find other relevant services in your area.

Teen dating advice

The world of teen dating is filled with many successes and failures. As children grow and mature into their adult bodies, their interests may turn to dating – this can be a rough transition for teens and parents alike.

Before dating begins and Before asking anyone out on that first date, create a list of the qualifications that you require in a respectable girl or boyfriend. Be specific and list both the things that are the should have’s and the ones that are the should have not’s. While analyzing a possible date, also think about what you have to offer to a potential new friend.

Teen dating tips

• Communication is essential in all dating. Don’t make assumptions and avoid gossip.
• Make it clear whether your relationships are exclusive or casual.
• If you get turned down or rejected, don’t waste time on it – move on.
• Before asking anyone new out, get to know them a little first. It will make it easier to know what their answer might be.
• If you are looking for love, don’t mistake sex as the same thing. It isn’t. While making love may make you feel loving, it won’t necessarily make you feel loved. If it is just sex, it is like eating ice cream when you are hungry. It tastes good at the time, but it doesn’t nourish you. Then it often makes you feel worse shortly thereafter, because what your body was really craving was something healthy.

Friends

Creating strong friendships is the first step toward a healthy teen dating life. As a teen, your friends will largely affect your self-esteem and enjoyment. Make sure there is always a balance between your time with your friends and your time with your date when you begin to explore dating. Don’t waste all your energy on a new boy or girlfriend, only to have the relationship explode and you quickly notice you no longer have anyone to call and complain too.

Love vs. Lust

There are many types of love: compassion for others, strong friendships or family connections. Teen love involves finding someone who you are attracted to who understands and appreciates you. Lust is a quick, intense physical attraction. Teen lust is sexual and driven by hormones. While it a normal physiological part of growing up, it can be very powerful and confusing.

It can be hard to tell the difference between love and lust as a teen. This complicates the teen dating scene significantly. Keeping a healthy perspective and appreciating that these emotions are significant and real will help facilitate the process. As a teen, allow yourself to feel these varying emotions but find healthy outlets for them. Savor your ability to learn control as it will benefit you in all aspects of your life as you leave your teen years.

Know that your first love, and even your second love, and maybe even your third love and beyond are very unlikely to be your last(ing) love. So often teens start dreaming about happily-ever-after with the first person they date, which is understandable, but not realistic. While it does happen, it is not likely. Remember as you are dating that this is a love, not the love and there will always be more love. Love is abundant, not scarce. Any scarcity we experience is not based on the truth about love, it is based on our inability to access it.

Trust your intuition

Along with friends for comfort and support, also comes the peer pressure naturally found in all teens’ lives. As you begin to explore a variety of relationships in your teens, try to listen to your inner voice, instead of the loud voices of your circle of friends. It can be hard to tone down the pressure teens feel in today’s world, so before you make any decisions about who to date or how to behave, quiet down those outside voices. Take a silent walk alone or write in a journal. Your inner voice will know the right choices for you; just take the time to listen.

Know yourself

With all the conflicting messages in teens’ lives, it can be hard to know what they want when it comes to dating and relationships. As a young teen, take some time to get to know yourself before you start dating. Join a variety of activities and explore your own interests. Not only will this make you more interesting as a date, but it will also help you appreciate the types of people you want intimately involved in your life.

Don’t rush

Instead of feeling pressure to move quickly into an intimate relationship, recognize that rates of sexual activity among teens have been steadily decreasing in the last 20 years. That means that any justification that “everyone else is doing it” simply isn’t true.

Teen breakups

Relationship break ups are a part of life. It can be hard to watch your teenager go through the distress and pain of breaking up for the first time. Not every relationship lasts forever, in fact most don’t. It is normal for teenagers to have a number of short-lived relationships as they go through puberty and discover more about their emotions, their needs, and other people’s human imperfections. Teenagers have as much to learn from break ups as they do from having relationships.

Your teenager is likely to be confused and upset. They probably didn’t see this coming, and don’t understand what happened or why. This part of their life that they loved has ended and they will be grieving for that time.

You can help them through this distressing time by supporting them, giving them guidance on what comes next, and showing them how to handle a break up respectfully. You can’t take away their pain, but you can help them develop resilience and understanding.

Tips for helping your teenager through a break up

• You don’t have to find the right thing to say. There might not even be one. Just be there to listen when they need it.
• Let them vent. When we talk about what we are feeling, we move things from the emotional to the logical part of our brain, helping us to process. Just letting them talk helps.
• Encourage them to talk with friends. Getting support and validation from friends strengthens those relationships, and shows your teenager they are not alone.
• Help them establish a routine. When a break up happens it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under us, and we feel like we have less control. Just having a regular routine helps regain that sense of control.
• Encourage them to treat themselves. Doing things they like, going to the movies etc. will help them remember that they don’t need someone else to be happy and have a good time.

Ideas worth talking about

You may not be able to say the right thing to make it all better, but you can help them to understand the nature of relationships and break ups.

• It takes time to heal. It may not feel like the grief or feelings they are going through will go away, but they will in time. There will be good days and bad, and you will be there for them.
• Being single doesn’t mean being alone. It doesn’t mean being unloved. You have more opportunities to do different things, and meet different people. Friendships are just as valuable as romantic relationships.
• You can and will feel love like this again. Discuss how you might have had more than one relationship in the past, and how you found that you could feel love again.
• Break ups don’t have to be angry. You loved this person. While it may feel painful, or like you have been betrayed, we each have the right to choose whether we want to be in a relationship. In time, you may be able to still have this person in your life if you treat them well now.

When to get help

Getting over a break up takes time, and that time is different for everybody. If it has been several weeks and they are still not getting over these feelings, or they have persistent low mood and disengagement with their life and friends, it may be time to get additional help. Talk to your family doctor, or encourage your child to have a session with a counselor.