What is tantrum

Tantrums also called temper tantrums, are extremely common in toddlers and preschoolers. Tantrums or temper tantrums are how young children deal with difficult feelings. It helps to tune in to your child’s emotions, and to avoid situations that trigger your child’s tantrums.

Temper tantrums usually start at around 18 months and are very common in toddlers. Temper tantrums are a normal part of child development and most often occur in kids between the ages of 2 and 3.

Tantrums come in all shapes and sizes. Temper tantrums can involve spectacular explosions of anger, frustration and disorganized behavior – when your child ‘loses it’.

You might see crying, screaming, stiffening limbs, an arched back, kicking, falling down, flailing about or running away. In some cases, children hold their breath, clench their teeth, vomit, break things, pound their fists or get aggressive as part of a tantrum. Hitting and biting are common, too.

Boys and girls both have tantrums and your child’s personality will also play a part.

Some children are naturally easygoing and positive, whereas others who are very active, intense and persistent may have more intense tantrums.

Tantrums tend to occur more often if a child is anxious, ill, moody, tired or lives in a stressful home.

One reason for this is toddlers want to express themselves, but find it difficult. They feel frustrated, and the frustration comes out as a tantrum.

Once a child can talk more, they’re less likely to have tantrums. By the age of four, tantrums are far less common.

Children’s brains develop as they grow. The section of the brain that is ‘firing’ at the age children commonly have a lot of tantrums (big feelings) is the limbic system (the emotional center of the brain). Young children see their world and react to many everyday situations through this emotional lens.

Until their cerebral cortex (the reasoning and thinking part of the brain) is developed, a young child’s only way of telling you about what is bothering them is through expressing their feelings – such as frustration about being misunderstood or not being able to make their needs clear, or being upset.

Some triggers that can spark a young child’s big feelings (tantrums) include being stressed, hungry, tired, frustrated or overstimulated.

Triggers for tantrums (big feelings)

It is important to remember that tantrums (big feelings) are a normal part of child development. However, certain factors make episodes of tantrums (big feelings) more likely.

Triggers that may spark tantrums (big feelings) include being:

• stressed
• hungry
• tired
• overstimulated – for example, by loud or noisy environments where there is a lot going on
• frustrated – especially about not being understood or not having enough language skills to communicate needs
• physically ill
• upset – for example, because a parent has reacted angrily or laughed at the child
• confused – for example, by inconsistent parenting or caregivers reacting differently to the big feelings in different circumstances.

If your child is expressing tantrums (big feelings), remember that:

• these feelings are frightening to your child – they want to avoid them as much as you do, but lack the necessary skills to cope
• they are not ‘doing this on purpose’
• they need your calming influence to help them through it
• they cannot calm themselves on their own
• when the big feelings (tantrums) have passed, they need to know they are still loved.

While children are still too young to regulate their own emotions and behavior, adults can help them deal with big feelings (tantrums) by ‘co-regulating’ their mood – for example by being calm, soothing, caring, close and rational until the big feeling (tantrums) passes. This helps young children regain their dignity and know they are still loved.

Young children need reassurance, nurturing and understanding from adults, as they do not understand their big feelings and are not able to manage them on their own.

Self-regulation is the ability to understand and manage behavior and reactions. Children start developing it from around 12 months. As your child gets older, he/she will be more able to regulate his/her reactions and calm down when something upsetting happens. You’ll see fewer tantrums as a result.

Big feelings (tantrums) and child development

Young children are emotional beings and act out their feelings through their behavior. They do not have the cognitive thinking abilities to express themselves in a rational way. When the cortex is not developed, young children are unable to calm themselves on their own.

Young children need (calm and rational) adults to support and help them through their big feeling episodes and to regain a sense of calm and dignity. When a young child is being emotional, it is important that the adults are responding calmly and rationally.

Expressions of big feelings (tantrums) tend to occur at the age when young children do not have the ability to handle their feelings without adult help (co-regulation). This often occurs between the ages of 18 months and four years, but each child is different. Some children don’t need to express themselves through big feelings at all.

Older children learn how to reduce their own heightened emotional state without adult help, when the cognitive part of their brain is more developed.

Tips for preventing outbursts of tantrums (big feelings)

General suggestions include:

• Spend time together doing enjoyable things when your child is calm.
• Make sure your child gets enough rest and sleep.
• Offer regular meals, and healthy snacks and drinks.
• Find ways to help your child communicate – for example, encourage them to point at things. Two-year-olds speak only about 50 words. Lack of communication skills is thought to be a trigger for big feelings in younger children.
• Talk and read to your child as much as possible to help with their speech development and communication skills.
• Allow your child control over safe things – for example, let them choose which fruit to have at snack time or which toy to take to bed. This gives them a feeling of independence and control over one aspect of their world.
• Think about your child’s request before you refuse it – for example, is it really that unreasonable for your child to have a small treat after they have grocery shopped with you, without complaining, for over an hour? It may be that your child’s request can be accommodated.
• Keep your parenting consistent – for example, don’t change what you expect as reasonable behavior just because you feel tired and it seems easier to give in. It’s not easier in the long run.
• Give your child plenty of attention and compliment them when they are behaving well.
• Take note of which factors and events trigger these expressions of feelings and think up ways to cope. For example, if your child ‘loses it’ when they are in the car, plan for car travel to be more enjoyable by playing your child’s favorite music and stocking the car with special toys.
• Take notice of your child’s behavior before a big feeling so that you can step in and avoid them altogether in the future – for example, an afternoon nap or distraction with a favorite storybook may work if tiredness is a trigger.
• Encourage your child to use words to express their wants and needs as much as they are able to. Praise them for any attempts to use words.
• Reward your child for coping with frustration – for example, using words to communicate wants and needs instead of kicking or screaming.

Tips for coping with outbursts of tantrums

Dealing with tantrums can be very draining and stressful. You might feel you need to step in to end a tantrum straight away. But if it’s safe, it can help to take a breather while you decide how to respond.

• Don’t judge yourself as a parent based on how many tantrums your child has. Remember that all children have tantrums. Instead, focus on how you respond to the tantrums. And remember that you’re only human and part of parenting is learning from mistakes.

Top tantrum tips coping when your child is expressing big feelings (tantrums):

• Keep calm – model the behavior that you want your child to display.
• Try to not get angry and don’t resort to smacking or hitting your child.
• Use distraction whenever possible – with a book or song, or anything else going on nearby, this is particularly effective for younger children who have short attention spans.
• If you know that it helps, and you are somewhere that it is safe to do so, allow your child some space and time on their own until they calm down. Perhaps they may need to stay in their room.
• Some children become more traumatized when left alone. If this is the case, keep them close by and make sure they are safe. Console them as soon as the big feeling is over.
• Recognize when the big feeling has subsided and console the child immediately to reassure them they are okay, and that you love them.
• Avoid giving in to their demands. If your child is having a big feeling because they don’t want to do something – for example, have a bath – wait until they are calm. Then tell them that it’s good that they’ve calmed down, but they still need a bath.
• Try not to lose your temper. If you feel that you are becoming angry, distract yourself. If it is safe to do so, leave the room, play music, read a magazine or do anything else that works for you.
• If you find you can’t calm down and your child is safe, move away for a while until you feel better.
• It’s important to make sure you don’t accidentally reward tantrums. For example, if your child has a tantrum because you say no to buying her a lolly but then you buy the lolly, this rewards the tantrum. Shouting or pleading with your child when she has tantrums can also be a reward, because it gives your child attention.

Staying calm

It’s really important that you stay calm when your child is having a tantrum. This can be very hard to do but if you become stressed too your child will pick up on it. Keeping calm and in control shows your toddler that you are not overwhelmed by his or her emotions and while he or she feels out of control, you are in control. During her tantrum he or she may not be able to hear you but sometimes by speaking slowly and quietly, you can help calm the situation. Try to avoid worrying about what other people will think if you’re out in public – if you stay calm even if your child is screaming the place down they will more likely carry on by as you are dealing with the situation. Many of them will have had children themselves and know what you are going through.

Here are some more ideas for staying calm and keeping things in perspective:

• Develop a strategy for tantrums. Have a clear plan for how you’ll handle a tantrum in whatever situation you’re in. Concentrate on putting your plan into action when the tantrum happens.
• Accept that you can’t control your child’s emotions or behavior directly. You can only keep your child safe and guide your child’s behavior so tantrums are less likely to happen in the future.
• Accept that it takes time for change to happen. Your child has a lot of growing up to do before tantrums are gone forever. Developing and practising self-regulation skills is a life-long task.
• Beware of thinking that your child is doing it on purpose or is trying to get you. Children don’t have tantrums deliberately – they’re stuck in a bad habit or just don’t have the skills right now to cope with the situation.
• Keep your sense of humor. But don’t laugh at the tantrum – if you do, it might reward your child with attention. It might also upset him even more if he thinks you’re laughing at him.
• If other people give you dirty looks, ignore them. They’ve either never had children or it’s been so long since they had a young child that they’ve forgotten what it’s like.

If you can’t stay calm

Sometimes it can be really hard to stay calm when your toddler is having a tantrum and if you really feel like you can’t and if your child is in a safe place, just move away for a moment until you feel calmer.

Distract your child

Help your child calm down by distracting them with something else, such as reading a book, or something else to look at where they are like a bus going past. If you do something like giving them treats in the hope of calming them down, this may be quick fix but in can end up with your child thinking that a tantrum will be rewarded. Have a drink or snack with you in case a child is genuinely hungry or thirsty. If you want to try distracting him or her before the full blown tantrum, you may want to have or toy or something handy.

Give them a hug

Sometimes a child having a tantrum may just want your attention and giving the child a hug might help. However, this will not work if the child has already too far gone in the tantrum. Sometimes this can make the situation worse. A hug may not stop a tantrum, but holding a child firmly and gently while talking to him or her in a clear voice may help the child understand that you are not giving in to the tantrum. You and your child may enjoy a loving cuddle after the tantrum has subsided. You may need to explain that you know she was angry but still the behavior was not acceptable. Let him or her know what they can do next time when they are feeling frightened or angry. Give your child the words to let you know how he or she feels.

After the tantrum

Do not reward your child after a tantrum by giving in to their demands. This will only prove to your child that the tantrum was effective. Instead, praise your child for regaining control.

Children may feel vulnerable after a tantrum when they may know their behavior was not very desirable. This is a time for a hug and reassurance that your child is loved, no matter what.

Asking for help

If you feel like you just can’t cope, wherever possible, it is better to ask for help than to keep everything bottled up and suffer alone. This will help to alleviate your own distress and will help you feel more able to deal with your toddler. It’s also good to talk to someone such as a friend, or you can call your family doctor.

Try give yourself a break sometimes:

• go for a walk or swim
• sit down with a cuppa
• read the paper
• watch your favorite TV program

These suggestions will give you a chance to recharge batteries. If it feels like you just can’t think straight, try making an appointment with your doctor to see if there is any help you can get locally.

How to manage tantrums in public

Sometimes, your child will express big feelings (tantrums) in a public place such as a supermarket. The humiliation of having strangers judge your parenting performance can ruin your strategy, but try not to give in.

Suggestions for managing expressions of big feelings in public include:

• Remember that everyone who is a parent will be feeling for you. Reassure yourself that most onlookers understand what you are going through.
• Stick to your tantrum strategy no matter what. Stay calm.
• Try not to lose your temper. Screaming at your child or hitting them may provoke outrage from onlookers, which will only make you feel worse and probably make the big feeling last even longer. We are trying to teach our children to deal with their emotional distress – this does not happen if adults cannot control theirs.
• In public places or when the child is in danger of hurting themselves, pick your child up and take them to a quiet, safe place to calm down.
• Leave the shop and go home if the tantrum is severe or prolonged. Both of you may need ‘time out’ at home. (You could finish your shopping online.)
• Don’t put yourself down or lose hope if you do give in to your child’s big feelings. Just try to stick to your plans next time.

Tips for coping with strong expressions of tantrums in young children

Some children have the temperament and strength to express their big feelings (tantrums) often, or to extend their big feelings (tantrums) for a very long time, or both. This can fray a parent’s patience and turn family life upside down.

Suggestions include:

• Keep calm – model the behavior that you want your child to display.
• Plan your strategy in advance. Use the same strategy every time a big feeling starts. Discuss your strategy with other caregivers to ensure consistency.
• If you know that it helps, and you are somewhere that it is safe to do so, allow your child some space and time on their own until they calm down. Perhaps they may need to stay in their room.
• If your child becomes more traumatized when left alone, keep them close by and make sure they are safe. Console them as soon as the big feeling is over.
• The child may be quite distressed at their own behavior.
• Control your temper by distracting yourself. Make sure your child is safe, then leave the room, play music, read a magazine or do anything else that works for you.
• Avoid changing the family routine because of your child’s big feelings. Remind yourself that your child will soon be able to manage their feelings in a more appropriate way as they grow older.
• Seek professional help if your attempts don’t get results. Your doctor is a good starting point for information and referral.

Why tantrums happen?

Tantrums are very common in children aged 1-3 years. Tantrums mean your child is overwhelmed by their feelings. Tantrums means they need your help.

To some extent, tantrums are attention-seeking behavior. They often happen when children are tired, hungry or uncomfortable and want attention from parents or caregivers.

This is because children’s social and emotional skills are only just starting to develop at this age. Children often don’t have the words to express big emotions. They want more independence but fear being separated from you. And they’re discovering that they can change the way the world works.

So tantrums are one of the ways that young children express and manage feelings, and try to understand or change what’s going on around them.

Older children can have tantrums too. This can be because they haven’t learned more appropriate ways to express or manage feelings. Or some older children might be slower than others to develop self-regulation.

For both toddlers and older children, there are things that can make tantrums more likely to happen:

• Temperament – this influences how quickly and strongly children react to things like frustrating events. Children who get upset easily might be more likely to have tantrums.
• Stress, hunger, tiredness and overstimulation – these can make it harder for children to express and manage feelings and behavior.
• Situations that children just can’t cope with – for example, a toddler might have trouble coping if an older child takes a toy away.
• Strong emotions – worry, fear, shame and anger can be overwhelming for children.

Avoiding tantrums

Tantrums can’t always be avoided. But you can make them less likely by avoiding stress, identifying and anticipating what triggers them, and talking about emotions with your child. Here are some ideas to encourage positive behavior in your toddler.

• Reward and praise specific good behavior – make sure your toddler gets enough attention when they are behaving well. When your child is behaving well praise them for that particular behavior.
• Choices – try to give your child some control and choices over little things. This may fulfill the need for independence and can ward off tantrums.
• Encourage kids to use words – encourage your child to use words rather than screaming.
• Reduce temptations – keep things you do not want your child to touch out of sight and out of reach to reduce the likelihood of struggles developing over them. This is not always possible, especially outside of the home where the environment cannot be controlled.
• Distraction – take advantage of your child’s short attention span by moving to a different environment, changing activities or offering them a different object.
• Nurturing success – set your child up to succeed when your child is playing or trying to master a new task. Offer age-appropriate toys and games. Also start with something simple before moving on to more challenging tasks.
• Know your child’s limits – if you know your child is tired, or feeling unwell, it’s not the best time to go to the supermarket or visit friends.

What is self-regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to understand and manage your behavior and your reactions to feelings and the things happening around you.

Self-regulation includes being able to:

• regulate reactions to emotions like frustration or excitement
• calm down after something exciting or upsetting
• focus on a task
• refocus attention on a new task
• control impulses
• learn behavior that helps you get along with other people.

You will notice when your child begins to self-regulate. They will learn to stop themselves from doing something they really want to do (like eating the whole bowl of cake mixture) and motivate themselves to do something they don’t like (like sharing a toy with a sibling). Children who have learned to self-regulate will show more control over their impulses, be able to sustain their attention for longer periods of time and be better able to deal with day-to-day frustrations such as distractions, noise and conflict.

However, every child is different and some children find self-regulation easier than others. Even older children and teenagers sometimes struggle with self-regulation. Your child’s ability to self-regulate will depend on the strength and intensity of his/her emotions. Children who typically feel things strongly and intensely find it harder to self-regulate. It isn’t as hard for children who are more easygoing. But if you feel that something isn’t quite right, see your child health care provider.

Parents and carers can play an important part in helping children to self-regulate. You can:

• Provide particular support at times when kids are upset, tired or angry. For example, your children might be less likely to cooperate with their siblings before bedtime.
• Break down complicated tasks into smaller parts so children can practice self-regulation without becoming overwhelmed. Help your child get ready for school or their early childhood service by breaking down the morning’s jobs into more manageable things like breakfast, getting dressed and packing a bag instead of simply talking about “getting ready”, which can be overwhelming for many kids.
• Lead by example and demonstrate appropriate self-regulation. Think about how you negotiate decisions at home, manage conflict or a change of plans, and communicate with your child’s teacher.

Why self-regulation is important

As your child grows, self-regulation will help him/her:

• learn at school – for example, because self-regulation gives her the ability to sit still and listen in the classroom
• behave in socially acceptable ways – for example, because self-regulation gives her the ability to control impulses and not make loud comments around people who look different from her
• make friendships – for example, because self-regulation gives her the ability to take turns in games, share toys and express emotions like joy and anger in appropriate ways
• become more independent – because self-regulation gives her the ability to make good decisions about her behaviour and learn how to behave in new situations with less guidance from you
• manage stress – because self-regulation helps her learn that she can cope with strong feelings and gives her the ability to calm herself down after getting angry.

How self-regulation develops

Babies aren’t born with the ability to control their own reactions and behavior. Self-regulation develops most in the toddler and preschool years, but it also keeps developing right into adulthood.

Babies

Your baby is too young to learn self-regulation, but with your help he’ll start developing ways of handling his emotions.

When you respond quickly to your baby when she’s upset, and cuddle and comfort her, she calms down. This experience helps your baby learn about how to soothe herself – for example, she might suck her thumb to comfort herself. Being able to self-soothe is the first step towards learning self-regulation.

Toddlers

As your baby becomes a toddler he’ll start to develop some basic self-regulation skills. For example, he’ll learn how long he usually needs to wait for things like food or his turn to play.

From around two years your child will probably be able to follow simple instructions or rules like ‘Please put your hat on’ and ‘Don’t hit’.

And as she develops, your child will start to follow simple rules even when you aren’t there. But at this age you can still expect that she might break rules in tricky situations. For example, if another child has a toy your child really wants, she might snatch rather than wait for her turn.

Preschoolers

From around 3-4 years, your child will start to know what you expect of his behaviour. He’ll probably be able to control his behaviour with some supervision and help from you. For example, he might try to speak in a soft voice if you’re at the movies.

School-age children

By school age your child is likely to be better at planning – that is, imagining the consequences of her behaviour and deciding how to respond. For example, your child might start being able to disagree with other people without having an argument.

At this age, your child is learning to see ‘both sides’ of a situation. When he can imagine how somebody else sees and feels about a situation, he’s more likely to control how he expresses his own wants and needs.

Helping your child learn self-regulation

Here are some tips for helping your child learn self-regulation:

• Try to model self-regulation for your child – for example, show your child how you can do a frustrating task without getting upset. You could say something like, ‘Wow that was hard. I’m glad I didn’t get angry because I mightn’t have been able to do it’.
• Talk about emotions with your child – for example, ‘Did you throw your toy because you were frustrated that it wasn’t working? What else could you have done?’. When your child struggles with a difficult feeling, encourage him to name the feeling and what caused it. Wait until the emotion has passed if that’s easier.
• Help your child find appropriate ways to react to difficult emotions – for example, teach her to put her hands in her pockets when she wants to touch, snatch or strike out. Say things like ‘Let’s relax’ and ‘I can help you if you like’.
• Have clear rules that help your child understand what behavior you expect – for example, ‘Use your words to show your feelings’.
• Talk with your child about the behavior you expect – for example, ‘The shop we’re going to has lots of things that can break. It’s OK to look, but please don’t touch’. Give your child a gentle reminder as you enter the shop. For example, ‘Remember – just looking, OK?’
• Praise your child when he shows self-control and follows the rules. Descriptive praise will tell him what he has done well. For example, ‘You were great at waiting for your turn’, or ‘I liked the way that you shared with Sam when he asked’.

Be patient with your child – it can be very hard for young children to follow rules when they have strong feelings. Matching your expectations to your child’s age and stage of development can also help.

How parents and carers can help children manage feelings

Did you know children aren’t born with innate skills to regulate their emotions? In fact, they need to learn to manage their emotions, attention and behaviours. During the first few years of life, children learn how to concentrate, share and take turns, which helps them move away from depending on parents or carers to beginning to manage by themselves. This process is called self-regulation.

Children’s feelings are often intense. They can be quickly taken over by feelings of excitement, frustration, fear or joy.

When feelings take over children’s behavior, they can find it difficult to manage without adult support. This is why learning how to recognise and manage feelings is a very important part of children’s social and emotional development.

Understanding that all sorts of feelings are normal, that they can be named, and that there are ways of handling them are the first things children need to learn about feelings. Understanding that feelings affect behavior, and being able to recognize how this happens are important steps for learning to manage feelings.

1. Notice feelings

Before you can learn how to control feelings, you first have to notice them. You can help your children notice feelings by noticing them yourself and giving them labels: happy, sad, excited, frustrated, angry, embarrassed, surprised, etc. Giving feelings names helps to make them more manageable for children.

Learning to pay attention to how they are feeling helps children understand that they can have emotions without being controlled by them.

2. Talk about everyday feelings

Talking with children about what it’s like when you’re angry, sad, nervous or excited helps them find ways to express feelings without having to act them out through negative behaviors. Children learn these skills best when they hear adults and peers using words to express feelings and when they are encouraged to use words like this too.

Learning to name feelings helps children find ways to express them without having to act them out.

3. Create space for talking about difficult feelings

Help children to separate a feeling from a difficult reaction by helping them name it. Being able to say or think, “I am feeling angry,” means that children don’t have to act really angry before anyone takes notice. It allows them to choose how they will respond. The same idea works with other difficult feelings like nervousness or fear.

Learning to cope with feelings helps children manage their behavior at school and at home. It helps them learn better, relate to others better and feel better about themselves.

Things to remember

• learning skills for managing feelings takes practice
• noticing and naming feelings comes first
• talking about everyday feelings in normal conversations makes it easier when the difficult feelings come up
• talking about difficult feelings is usually best tried after the feelings have calmed down a bit, and when children, parents and carers are feeling relaxed.

Things to try at home

• Use feeling words when you talk with children about everyday situations: “You scored a goal! How exciting was that!”; or: “It’s pretty disappointing that Sam can’t play with you today.”
• Invite children to describe their own feelings: “I’m feeling pretty nervous about going to the dentist. How about you?”; or “How did you feel when…?”

Toddler temper tantrums when to worry

From time to time, different things can affect your child’s ability to self-regulate. For example – tiredness, illness and changes to your child’s routine can all affect her ability to regulate her reactions and behavior. Also, some children have great self-regulation at child care or school but find it hard at home. Other children struggle in busy, noisy places like shopping centers.

Although these problems with self-regulation are pretty normal, it’s a good idea to speak with a professional if you’re worried about your child’s behavior or you’re having trouble managing his behavior as he gets older. For example, you could talk to your doctor, your child and family health nurse, or your child’s child care educator or teacher.

Consider seeking professional help if:

• your child seems to have more tantrums or difficult behavior than other children of the same age
• your child is behaving in difficult or out-of-control ways more often as she gets older
• your child’s behavior is a danger to herself or others
• your child is difficult to discipline and your strategies for managing her behavior don’t seem to be working
• your child is very withdrawn and has a lot of trouble interacting with others
• your child doesn’t seem to have as many communication and social skills compared with other children of the same age.

If your child has challenging behavior and autism spectrum disorder or a disability, talk with the professionals who work with him. They’ll be able to suggest ways to manage his behavior and to help him learn self-regulation skills.

The following signs may indicate your child has a difficulty that needs professional attention:

• Frequent, unexplained temper tantrums
• Unusual fears
• Difficulty in going to sleep or staying asleep
• Sadness and feelings of hopelessness that don’t go away
• Avoiding friends or family and wanting to be alone most of the time
• Refusing to go to school on a regular basis
• Inability to get along with other children
• Hyperactive behavior or constant movement beyond regular playing
• Noticeable disinterest or decline in school performance
• Frequent aggressive reaction (more than typically expected in the situation)
• Severe difficulties with concentration, attention and organization
• Significant changes in behavior over a short period of time

Things to take into account when deciding on the need for treatment

1. How severe the symptoms are in terms of:
   • how much distress they cause
   • how often they occur.
2. How much impact the symptoms have on the child:
   • at home
   • at school
   • elsewhere
3. How the child’s behavior and feelings compare with that of other children the same age.
4. Any particular experiences within the child’s family, school, community or culture that may be influencing the behaviors of concern.
5. How the difficulties are affecting the child’s:
   • behavior
   • emotions
   • thoughts
   • learning
   • social relationships.

Your doctor or school psychologist/counselor can provide further advice.

How to deal with and handle temper tantrums

These ideas may help you cope with tantrums when they happen.

Toddler tantrum tips

Find out why the tantrum is happening

• Your child may be tired or hungry, in which case the solution is simple. They could be feeling frustrated or jealous, maybe of another child. They may need time, attention and love, even though they’re not being very loveable.

Understand and accept your child’s anger

• You probably feel the same way yourself at times, but you can express it in other ways.

Find a distraction

• If you think your child is starting a tantrum, find something to distract them with straight away. This could be something you can see out of the window. For example, you could say, “Look! A cat”. Make yourself sound as surprised and interested as you can.

Wait for it to stop

• Losing your temper or shouting back won’t end the tantrum. Ignore the looks you get from people around you and concentrate on staying calm.

Don’t change your mind

Giving in won’t help in the long term. If you’ve said no, don’t change your mind and say yes just to end the tantrum.

Otherwise, your child will start to think tantrums can get them what they want. For the same reason, it doesn’t help to bribe them with sweets or treats.

If you’re at home, try going into another room for a while. Make sure your child can’t hurt themself first.

Be prepared when you’re out shopping

• Tantrums often happen in shops. This can be embarrassing, and embarrassment makes it harder to stay calm. Keep shopping trips as short as possible. Involve your child in the shopping by talking about what you need and letting them help you.

Try holding your child firmly until the tantrum passes

Some parents find this helpful, but it can be hard to hold a struggling child. It usually works when your child is more upset than angry, and when you’re feeling calm enough to talk to them gently and reassure them.

Hitting, biting, kicking and fighting

Most young children occasionally bite, hit or push another child. Toddlers are curious and may not understand that biting or pulling hair hurts.

This doesn’t mean your child will grow up to be aggressive. Here are ways to teach your child that this behavior is unacceptable:

Don’t hit, bite or kick back

• This could make your child think it’s acceptable to do this. Instead, make it clear that what they’re doing hurts and you won’t allow it.

Put your child in another room

• If you’re at home, try this for a short period. Check they’re safe before you leave them.

Talk to them

• Children often go through phases of being upset or insecure and express their feelings by being aggressive. Finding out what’s worrying them is the first step to being able to help.

Show them you love them, but not their behavior

• Children may be behaving badly because they need more attention. Show them you love them by praising good behavior and giving them plenty of cuddles when they’re not behaving badly.

Help them let their feelings out in another way

Find a big space, such as a park, and encourage your child to run and shout. Letting your child know that you recognize their feelings will make it easier for them to express themselves without hurting anyone else.

You could try saying things like: “I know you’re feeling angry about … “. As well as showing you recognize their frustration, it will help them be able to name their own feelings and think about them.